I’ve been distant, and for that I apologize.
We’ve missed all of February, and I even had an extra day. Shame on me. I have taken a lot of steps on my own this month. I went to a bar by myself. I mean I had a book, and a pack of cigarettes, but I was alone. It was one of the most empowering things I have ever done. That’s a little ridiculous, but really. I was reading The Catcher in the Rye (a book a really need to return to the library) at work, I really REALLY wanted a gin and tonic, so I went. I got off work, Cameron wasn’t home to talk me out of it, changed, and took my happy ass to Fat Daddy’s. I sat in a corner booth and didn’t talk to anyone until after my second beer. It was wonderful.
Valentine’s Day was equally amusing. I almost convinced a very good friend to drive from Conway, AR to have a few drinks with me, just to leave at like 6 in the morning. She responsibly declined. Ended up drinking with a friend I didn’t know very well, and learned something very important about myself. Not everything is a challenge. Example: if someone says they have never really been drunk, never blacked out, never thrown up, ITS NOT A CHALLENGE. I mean, I won, but it wasn’t a challenge. Sorry again, Zack.
This was also the beginning of birthday week, it should be noted that the two previous stories happened right after each other. Two nights in the same bar. That Friday, I helped an old friend celebrate his birthday, learned a thing or two about the power of greasy cheeseburgers, and realized that I will always be awesome at directions. Even whilst intoxicated I can direct you out of downtown. Saturday I made some new friends and discovered Drunken Opera Leah. One of my most favorite alter egos.
Sunday I made a last minute decision to go to Kansas City with my wonderful sister in law. We talked the entire trip up there, and I really felt good about the whole thing. It was very refreshing. I was privileged enough to get to say at her parents‘house. It was a very warm and inviting environment, and her father has a workshop of wonders. It was awesome. Monday (my actual birthday) I spent most of the afternoon with an amazing girl. A girl I hadn’t seen in 8 years, she bought me a balloon and took me to downtown for coffee. One of my most favorite moments involved Flarp. Yes, Flarp the fart putty. We stumble in the back door of this coffee house. She makes a fart noise, we giggle, she runs to the bathroom. I go in after her, and she stands outside making awful fart noises. The barista was starting to get a little nauseous. I guess he really thought someone was shitting their pants back there. There was no shit, only joy. After coffee she walked me all around downtown Kansas City, a part I never really got to explore when I lived there. I had the most wonderful time. I mean, it’s very rare to just pick up with someone like that. 8 years, that’s more than enough time to lose everything you had in common with a childhood friend.
I went to dinner with the sister in law and some mutual friends of her and my brother. It was ho hum to say the least. They didn’t laugh at my jokes, and I was kind of uncomfortable. I enjoyed Elaine’s company, but she kind of agreed that it was lame. After that I met up with Jenni (the childhood friend) and we went out for drinks. This is where it should be noted, I had just had a shot on an empty stomach and a Long Island Iced Tea with dinner. This was not part of my original birthday plan. We went to a gay bar in downtown called Missy B’s. We played pool, well she played and I cheated. Then we went out to smoke, I finished two mini pitchers of beer before I remember the difference in alcohol content. This would have been a fantastic time for me to stop drinking; at that point I was drunk. I should have stopped. AGAIN: I should have not continued to drink. They had shots at the beginning of the drag show, I had one, and I had Jenni’s as well. We made friends and they bought me a shot and refilled my beer. Then I got drug up on stage, embarrassed myself. AND HAD ANOTHER SHOT. I managed to get extremely intoxicated and to make a huge ass out of myself. I did not handle myself in the most ladylike manner, and very possibly shat on a beautiful friendship. She has not expressed any hard feelings towards me, but I like feelings, and I am stuck on the guilt train. I enjoyed myself, don’t get me wrong, it was one of the best birthdays I’ve ever had. Minus my mother calling me and asking how I managed to gain so much weight. But alas, I just know that I did not shine the most attractive light on myself.
Since then, I have gotten a nasty cold, brought to me by the week of alcohol and no sleep, I’m sure. I now know what Leah looks like with a drinking problem, it’s not cheap. It’s not pretty. It’s not even that fun. I’ve explored parts of my life that I had never considered before, and met a few interesting people along the way. I’ve had all of this week to reflect on it, my work schedule has been a bit wonky. I’ve cleaned my house and my room, and hopefully my liver.
Tonight I painted a self portrait. It’s a canvas mostly covered with black construction paper, pages from a cheesy romance novel, and sheet music from two of my most favorite arias, Non so piu cosa son from Mozart’s The Marriage of Figaro and Assisa A’ pie d’un salice from Rossini’s Otello. My profile is in the corner with a purple/brown streak for my eyes and a red streak for my mouth. I’m no good at painting with any kind of definition, but also the things that I see and say are very rarely defined.
I know I always feel better after I write, even if it’s not about anything too emotional or deep. It just gives me an opportunity to organize my head, and I’m an open book anyway. So why not let people read it?
Bad iPad Photo of said painting
Both of the links above are performed by the amazing Cecilia Bartoli
ALSO, I got a new tattoo this month.
Sonus est qui vivi in illa. Its from a quote from House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski.
"Spreta latet silvis pudibundaque frondibus ora protegit et solis ex illo vivit in antris; sed tamen haeret amor crescitique dolore repulsae; extenuant vigiles corpus miserabile curae adducitque cutem macies et in aera succus supersunt; vox manet , ossa ferunt lapidids traxisse figurame. Inde latet silvis nulloque in monte videtur, omnibus auditur: sonus est, qui vivit in illa."
“So she was turned away
To hide her face, her lips, her guilt among the trees,
Even their leaves, to haunt caves of the forest,
To feed her love on melancholy sorrow
Which, sleepless, turned her body to a shade,
First pale and wrinkled, then a sheet of air,
Then bones, which some say turned to thin-worn rocks;
And last her voice remained. Vanished in forest,
Far from her usual walks on hills and valleys,
She’s heard by all who call; her voice has life."
To hide her face, her lips, her guilt among the trees,
Even their leaves, to haunt caves of the forest,
To feed her love on melancholy sorrow
Which, sleepless, turned her body to a shade,
First pale and wrinkled, then a sheet of air,
Then bones, which some say turned to thin-worn rocks;
And last her voice remained. Vanished in forest,
Far from her usual walks on hills and valleys,
She’s heard by all who call; her voice has life."
The literal translation is "The sound is of the one who still lives in her"
