My Fairy Tale

Disney movies make me hate my life. I know they are supposed to be all happy and good, but they upset me. Being a girl and being raised on princess movies you get pretty disappointed when you look at your life and see you are absolutely prince-less, and you aren’t really a princess either. They build up really high expectations, for everyone really. I mean, no thief is going to end up with a princess, or even a Kardashian. The guy who is in and out of jail for the bad things he does is going to end up marrying a meth head; there is no princess for him. A woman who was raised to do everything right is not going to suddenly fall for a felon. But apparently that’s not too farfetched for Disney movies.

                Give me a movie where they upstanding gentleman falls for the rule breaking female? The little girl in UP is kind of weird and free spirited, and that’s probably why she died first. Ariel totally sold her voice to a witch, which I guess is bad, and she got a prince. But she also had to leave her entire family and way of life to be with her prince charming. So there are 2 movies that I can think of off the top of my head. And those are kind of weak examples of crazy girls. If I were to watch a movie where the gorgeous, kind prince falls for the street rat girl, I would probably not be three sobs away from a panic attack right now.

                It’s upsetting to look back on your life and be completely disappointed with everything. It’s really, really disappointing. I’m not going to write a list of all my disappointments because that would make me sad; I only like to think about one at a time. I can maybe handle two, but that would be a lot of tears. And I know that no one wants to hear about how fucking sad my life is, it’s not really even that bad. I just have a bunch of disappointing stories. I have good ones too, but I am sad and I want to vent without everyone thinking I’m a sad piece of shit.

                But back to the fairy tale bull shit. Give me a story where the girl who falls from glory, makes bad choices, is foul mouthed, and is maybe a little fat, meets a guy and who is not a total ass clown, maybe even a gentleman and he pursues her. He sees her as a free spirit, an adventure. Someone to explore life with and someone who has the potential to be a great wife and mother. Someone with mistakes a plenty and a little bit of a trashy streak, but someone with a kind heart and good intentions. I know one is expected to be a lady to snag a gentleman, but I want to be an exception. I want to be this crazy thing I am right now, and not be disrespected by my love interests and/or their friends. I want to be able to joke around with the guys and still have my voice heard. Maybe I am just hanging out with a bad crowd.

I want to have a fairy tale; I want to have that fluttery feeling in my stomach again one day. Maybe I need to feel more of this enveloping darkness to appreciate any kind of light. Maybe I need to feel cold and lonely to understand warmth. Maybe I just need to run away and start over. Maybe I just needed a good cry. Maybe I am just insane, I did just weep while watching Tangled. 

Painted Dreams

Just because I might have an unfortunate reader who isn't friends with me on Facebook.
I had a dream.
It was strange and colorful.
I felt inclined to paint it.

Spooky Jookie

                I have been working on this whole idea of “new beginnings” for a while now. Reinventing myself, or discovering myself for the first time. I am learning more about my voice, about my body, about my mind, about my character. Learning new things about yourself is both fascinating and terrifying, as are most things in life. But opening my mouth to sing and hearing and feeling things come out that have never existed before? I don’t even know how to describe that. It’s like knowing someone with a stove but never knowing they could cook.

                There are other things that have bothered me a bit. Apparently I get mean when I’m drunk. I mean, I am a naturally brash person, but I, in no way mean to come across as abrasive. I’m working on that. On a side note, I make decisions that shock me from time to time. Tonight, I went to downtown Tulsa, to a guy’s house. A guy who I have never met, who I know almost nothing about, and who I met on Craigslist. It was in response to an ad he posted looking for people interested in a musical collaboration. I guess it’s not too outrageous for me to have been concerned, that might even be normal. I did the smart thing, gave Cam all the information I had on the guy: name, phone number, directions to his house, and I made sure he had my tag number. Also, I borrowed his pocket knife. It’s the knife that bothers me. I like to think I am a peaceful person, but I also know that neither rape nor murder, sound like very much fun. But still, I am the kind of person that if I caught you stealing from me, I would look at you with disappointed eyes and probably give you whatever it was you wanted. Not saying that I would just give it up to a potential rapist, but I don’t think I would be able to stab anyone. Eh, who knows, maybe I am just over thinking it because the people I met are some of the most genuinely nice people I have ever been around. Like really these people were wonderful, I hope I made enough of an impression on them that potential music happens. I miss performing, and we all know I could use a good solid creative outlet. I get dumb when I’m bored.

                All in all I think this year is headed in a positive direction, I have a possible promotion heading my way, I am getting serious about singing again. And I can do things independently, a little. I’m still a codependent bitch, but I feel like I can go be by myself. And I would actually enjoy it. Like tonight in Downtown. That was all me, and I had a really good time. I have a lot of positive influences in my life right now; this is both a good thing and a bad thing. I need to guard both my heart any my character. I am very easily manipulated and influenced. So it’s good that they are positive influences, but I know that ultimately, it’s me that gets into bed with me every night, and me that wakes up with me every morning. If I am comfortable meeting strangers in unfamiliar places, good for me, as long as I have the cognizance to think of my safety checklist, we are good.

                So as for my most present bit of future, music. Art. Honesty. Beauty. Self discovery. This is what I want out of life. I want to perform, I want to sew and paint and dance. I want to discover new ways to make myself feel beautiful, both inside and out. I want to know the inmost secrets of myself. It bothers me that I’m 21 and I’m still learning new things about myself, but then again. I would love to still be finding things out when I’m 50.

Spooky Jookie - Man Man