Idle Curiosity

So, before I put all this out there I just really want everyone to know that, NO I AM NOT PLANNING ON MOVING ON/JUMPING IN A RELATIONSHIP. 

With that being said, I do want someone to take me out. I do want to go to a bar with my girl friends and flirt with men that are in my league. I also have to reevaluate which league I am in, because it’s obviously been downgraded due to an extra 40 pounds in my ass. Also, HOLY CRAP, I haven’t really dated, since, um, yeah... high school.  I did come to college with the mind set of “I’m not going to date” and I ended my freshman year with a long term relationship in the making. But there was never that whole, “hey I’m single, you look nice, take me out.” I always had the “You seem really nice, but I really don’t want to be your girlfriend” tag attached to my hip.

Now, back to the disclaimer at the beginning of this, I really don’t want to be anyone’s girlfriend. I need to be my own girlfriend, if that makes sense. I need to figure out what it is that Leah likes to do when she is alone for the 5^th night in a row. One of my coworkers diagnosed me with Bipolar Codependency, it makes sense. Cause I’m all like “I am mah own woman, roar” and then I’m like “oh hey, I was just kidding, how does my hair look, do you like my hair? I mean really, you should say something about the way I look, so I can feel better about myself.” Typing that was both exhausting and enlightening, because I was smacked in the face with about 45 different situations where I behaved like that. Gross.

I like feelings. I like to take all the feelings I have, throw them on the ground, and roll around in them. I like to do that with your feelings too. So this is where the whole other people thing comes out. It would be impossible for me to shut off the romantic side of my brain, I understand that some people can do that; I however, cannot. I like that nervous, “omg, did that cute guy just look at me” feeling. I like the “I’m getting pretty to go to the city with my girls to pick up some boys (or girls)” feeling. I want to be all excited and pissed off about something. I want to have fun, I want to be reckless, and I want to behave like a 21 year old. I want to know what it feels like to drink a beer in the shower, because apparently that is something that people do. The idea of cold beer in a hot shower sounds both pleasant and awful.  I want to go to the strip club with my guy friends and look at boobies. (Cam, this means you have to come with me.)And I want someone to take me out on a Saturday night, because they are romantically interested in me, but not in a serious relationship kind of way.

Maybe, I’m just needy. Maybe I am just trying to fill my brain with silly irrelevant thoughts so I don’t have to think about the week I just had.

Maybe, I’m just a girl.

I am a girl, I checked.

And it begins.

I feel like this is about as good as I could have hoped for as a first impression. I think this is going to be a good time.

10 reasons I kind of want to be a gay man.

1.        Everyone girl wants a gay friend. Maybe this is just a south thing, but really, skinny girls, fat girls, girls that climb on rocks. We all need male attention, and the fact that you have better fashion sense than us makes us love you. You speak infinite amounts of wisdom. You know how a man thinks, because you are one.
2.       You can talk about your sex life and not be a slut. And if you are a slut, it’s cool, because you are gay.
3.       Forget the sex life, you can openly talk about masturbation and it’s not awkward. Straight girls can’t do this, even though we all do it. If we do we must be some kind of sex maniac. If straight guys do it, they are lonely and desperate.
4.       Ok, this comes with being gay in general. But you actually understand the needs of your partner, because you guys are the same sex.
5.        All clothes are unisex for you. You can where guy clothes because you have a penis, and you can wear girl clothes because you like penis. And I’m not even talking about drag. You can totally wear girl jeans all the time, and girl shirts. You get to rock man cleavage.
6.        You can be a gossipy bitch and no one thinks anything of it. Now I guess this can be a downer too, because, as the gay friend you are totally stereotyped as the gossipy bitch. I can see where that would get annoying if you had no one to take you seriously.
7.       I am under the impression that gay men have sex ALL THE FUCKING TIME.  You have no menstruation cycle to work around. You have things like, Grindr and OKcupid, to get you through the lonely nights. Casual sex is widely accepted as part of your life style.
8.        Drag queens. I feel like all men are prettier than me now. I feel like I can see them all as women and it makes me cry at night.
9.        You know what your partners orgasms feel like. The male orgasm is a mystery to me. If I could switch sexes for a day, all I would do is fool around. I want to understand these sensations, and why you don’t like when I bite your nipples.
10.   You can be a hot mess, and people still love you. I have stopped being friends with girls because they were a mess. I just love my gay friends for it. Expect when I, in turn, also end up a hot mess. I love you, and I trust you, but for the love of god, DON’T LET ME TAKE SHOTS WITH YOU.

Now I understand, these are all stereotypes, and not all gay men are wonderfully fabulous. There are some people that will always be awkward and unpleasant, no matter who they sleep with. I also understand that there is a dark side to being gay, with discrimination, and marriage rights and all. It just looks fun, and sparkly.

Let them eat cake.

I am ready to be in a place where I am not constantly worrying about getting lost. It’s not that I am bad with directions. I just don’t know where anything is in this state. I am ready to be back in a place where everything looks familiar.

I am glad I am moving into an area that is unknown, yet surrounded by familiar. The only part of Bixby I am familiar with is Memorial. Yea, I know this town is wider than one road.

I am excited about living with someone who not only embraces my weirdness, but actually gives me a run for my money.

I am glad I will be living in a city I am not afraid of, and that I can experience this lack of fear as a twenty something.

I am sad that I haven’t taken very good care of my friends in this area. I went to high school with some of these people, and they totally get that innate sense of “build me a fire, throw me a beer” when things start to smell like fall. Hopefully they are as accepting of my presence as I want them to be. Most of them understand the need to run, fast and hard, from the small town you came from. Now, I don’t think I will ever be that friend that goes out and shoots stuff, but I will be the friend that goes with you to pee behind a tree.

I am happy that I don’t know many people in Tulsa, other than the people I grew up with. All the potential to explore. But none of the dangers of losing myself. I have roots here, I don’t have any trees though, and I like that.

I am happy that I will be close to my family.

I am terrified that I will be so close to my family.

I am embracing this change. I am ready for new, I am ready for exciting, and I am ready for crazy.

I am ready to be able to go to a high school football game if I want to. I am ready to kidnap my little sisters, because I can. I am ready to live in a house where I can paint the walls in my room. I am ready to cook in a new kitchen. I am ready to meet new people. I am so ready to just live for while.

I am excited about being so close to Ada.  I can’t even explain how much a two hour drive is better than a five hour drive. I mean I can do there and back in one day if I wanted to. I can be in Act II productions. I can be a safe place for my dear friends that need to escape for a night. I can have my cake and eat it too. And that is a really nice feeling. Things are going right for me now. And I am letting the world know that I am grateful. 

Drunken Ramblings

I'm drunk again, and I'm not even going to edit this shit. so no one pay attention to my many errors, mmkay? So its about 4 am and I'm awake. yes I am getting sleepy and yes, i probably shouldn't have opened beer number. ,um... 1,2.3,4... OK, number 6, that's not bad, right?

I was reading something on that thought catalog that I thought was really neat. The title was figuring yourself out, or something like that, but it was just this guy talking about what he wasn't. and in describing what he wasn't, it painted a pretty good picture of what he was. that was my plan for a blog post tonight. but Mr. beer had other plans. seductive bastard.

Now, if i were to attempt such a thing, it would read; I could be sober. I could not drink large quantities of cheap beer. But that just isn't me.

Is that really something people want to read. No, Its not. Its boring, and not funny. You suck at writing blogs Leah. You should find a new hobby and quit publishing things on the Internet.

Why are the comma key and the period key so close together?

Cam's roommate decided to be less douchey, he might be moving out in late November, I refuse to get my hopes up again. This may just be a tease. BUUUttt a super nice friend of mine offered a room in her house, and it would only be like 200 a month, well less than that. But that is how much I was planning on paying my parents to inconvenience them for like a month or so. I really don't want to sleep in someones office. BUT I MIGHT JUST GET TO MOVE IN TO WHERE I WANT TO!!!!!!!!!!!!! all caps, me Gusta.

Interwebs, plus beer, plus beer, equals stupid blog posts.

I really want to be in someones band, someone take me under your wing and give me shit to sing, I have soul. I have clean vocals. I used to sing opera, be impressed by my metaphorical talent. Also, fuck spelling.

Just so everyone knows my level. I am tipsy after a single beer.. and I AM fighting through my sixth.

As terrified as I am of moving away from my comfort zone. I am also excited, I just really don't want my new boss to be a dick. I just want my whole job to move with me, I don't want to learn anything new and have to deal with some diva general manager. Is that so much to ask? I mean really, its a fucking hotel, its a cake job. I like meeting new people and I have a strange relationship with ass kissing? so what? you are just mad because I made you like me.

Note to self: if you are every going to compose a blog post whilst intoxicated, do it on word processor. It capitalizes shit for you.

Please listen to me go on and on about this girl?

I seriously have a problem with impulse control. I find something I want and I need it now, like 50 times. I guess there are worse problems to have, but by the time I learn all the words to this song I will be sick of it. Maybe. It’s a really good song. I normally don’t care for breathy vocals. The first time I heard Elliot Smith (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NcalJSO6jDY) I was like “ew, its called breath support, loser” and now I like it, more so with this Lana Del Ray chick. I mean really, like one, she is super hot. She has this pouty thing going on with her lips, and her nose is just big enough that I think she is a real life person. I really want to punch her in the face and then kiss her. Not necessarily in that order.

But her voice, it has all the passion of Adele, but in a whisper. I love that. And of course this all goes back to my lesbian crush on Kat George, she wrote a post about her on Thought Catalog. And I stalk all of her posts. Because I’m a loser.

Fastest way into my heart: show me sexy new music. I’m a music slut. It happens. Do you think we’ll be in love forever?

I mean really? How do these people get in my head and write all this shit.

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u89_AiQu9BQ&feature=related)
you're no good for me
baby you're no good for me
you're no good for me
but baby I want you, I want you

diet mountain dew, baby, new york city
never was there ever a girl so pretty
do you think we'll be in love forever?
do you think we'll be in love

baby put on heart shaped sunglasses
'cause we gonna take a ride
i'm not gonna listen to what the past says
I’ve been waiting up all night

take another drag turn me to ashes
ready for another lie?
says he's gonna teach me just what fast is
say it's gonna be all right


diet mountain dew, baby, new york city
never was there ever a girl so pretty
do you think we'll be in love forever?
do you think we'll be in love

diet mountain dew, baby, new york city
can we get it downlow, down and gritty
do you think we'll be in love forever?
do you think we'll be in love

let's take jesus off the dashboard
got enough on his mind
we both know just what we're here for
saved too many times

maybe I like this rollercoaster
maybe it keeps me high
maybe this weed it brings me closer
I could sparkle up your eye


diet mountain dew, baby, new york city
never was there ever a girl so pretty
do you think we'll be in love forever?
do you think we'll be in love

diet mountain dew, baby, new york city
can we get it downlow, down and gritty
do you think we'll be in love forever?
do you think we'll be in love?

That song makes me want to wiggle. It’s got this sexy simple beat. It’s not even a dance, it’s more of a drunken sway. Just what I need, songs that make me want to drink.

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Gg8pZYjCTM&feature=related)

Is it wro-wrong that I think it's kinda fun
When I hit you in the back of the head with a gun?

The 5 songs of hers that I have been listening to for the past 2 hours really make me want to dress all lady like and delicate. And then smoke a cigarette and drink whiskey straight. But I can’t drink whiskey straight. Maybe I can look bad ass drinking a Bloody Mary? Yes? No? Probably not. I’m not very good at pulling off delicate, so I will probably just look like I’m wearing old lady clothes, drinking an old lady drink, smoking crack cigarettes. I smoke Parliaments, they have a recessed filter. And apparently only black people and crack heads smoke them. I don’t really care. I don’t like feeling the Styrofoam filter in my mouth.

I hate when I find songs that kind of remind me of my life. It makes me feel like I have a manufactured life. O well, maybe that’s why I threw a “kind of” in there. Because I only take the parts I like and apply them to memories I have. I’m so lame.

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HO1OV5B_JDw&feature=related)

Swinging in the backyard
Pull up in your fast car
Whistling my name

Open up a beer
And you take it over here
And play a video game

I'm in his favorite sun dress
Watching me get undressed
Take that body downtown

I say you the bestest
Lean in for a big kiss
Put his favorite perfume on

Go play a video game

It's you, it's you, it's all for you
Everything I do
I tell you all the time
Heaven is a place on earth with you
Tell me all the things you want to do
I heard that you like the bad girls
Honey, is that true?
It's better than I ever even knew
They say that the world was built for two
Only worth living if somebody is loving you
Baby now you do

Singing in the old bars
Swinging with the old stars
Living for the fame

Kissing in the blue dark
Playing pool and wild darts
Video games

He holds me in his big arms
Drunk and I am seeing stars
This is all I think of

Watching all our friends fall
In and out of Old Paul's
This is my idea of fun
Playing video games

It's you, it's you, it's all for you
Everything I do
I tell you all the time
Heaven is a place on earth with you
Tell me all the things you want to do
I heard that you like the bad girls
Honey, is that true?
It's better than I ever even knew
They say that the world was built for two
Only worth living if somebody is loving you
Baby now you do

Yes, I expect you to listen to these songs. 

Queso Chicken Enchiladas

Holy shit, I've been inspired.


I made awesome enchiladas, and I am here to share the glory with you. 


You will need:
(ingredients)
one (1) block of Velveta cheese product (or just 12 ounces, because that is all you use)
5 chicken breasts
2 cans of Rotel or other tomato and chile canned product (I used one original and one mild)
1 can cream of chicken soup
9 tortillas (I know they don't come in packages of 9, but I can only fit 9 enchiladas in my pan)
1 can of red enchilada sauce
Ground cumin
Garlic salt
Cheese
Salsa


(Supplies)
9x11 baking dish
Microwave safe mixing bowl
Sturdy mixing spoon




Ok, first things first, make your chicken be not toxic. You can grill it, bake it, or boil it. I boiled mine because I think its easier to shred that way.


Take your velveta, I ended up using a good third of the block. According to the measurements on the side that is 12 oz. Cut your velveta into small cubes, and put the cubes in the mixing bowl


Shred your chicken into the mixing bowl.


Drain your rotel, not all the way, but you don't want all the watery stuff. And add to the pile in the mixing bowl.


Pour the whole can of cream of chicken into the mixing bowl.


Season healthily with the ground cumin and the garlic salt.


Stir until its pretty well mixed.
Put the whole bowl in the microwave for a minute.
Stir.
Microwave for a minute.
Stir.
If the velveta isn't mostly melted, do another minute. I just didn't want to bite into straight cheese product when these were finished.




Pour a thin layer of enchilada sauce in your pan, and I mean thin, just enough to spread around the bottom so the enchiladas don't stick.


Preheat your oven to 325.


Spoon out a heaping dollop of the chicken-y goodness onto a tortilla and roll up. Place the folded side on the bottom so it doesn't roll open. Repeat until you run out of the insides.


Pour the rest of the enchilada sauce on top of the enchiladas.


Add a shit ton of cheese.


I poured some salsa on top of mine for aesthetic purposes.


Bake for about 15 minutes or until everything its all bubbly and melty and delicious.


It is important that you let them set for about 3 minutes, so the cheese and everything sets up. Otherwise they are super hard to get out, and then you have deformed enchiladas.


Serve with chips, and rice, and beans, if you desire.

                        I only have the camera on my phone. I'm sorry.

A solid dozen

I feel like a writer tonight. Maybe it’s the cigarettes, maybe the whiskey.

One thing is for certain. I love my family. As much as it pisses me off, I’m kind of glad my brother is mad at me for breaking up with Kyle. I know that doesn’t make any god damned sense, but it’s a nice feeling. He cares, in an interesting way but whatever.  It’s apparently because I am an evil woman, and women break the hearts of kind men. That may be true, but I had my reasons for leaving and he had his reasons for letting me go. Awesome. There is cigarette ash in my drink. That sucks. Maybe I can drink around it?

But yes, back to the brother. I guess I have always enjoyed irritating him; it’s the little sister in me. Then again, I kind of like being annoying. It’s like I am forever a 12 year old. I like to hit the books people read. Pester them when they are driving. Poke at them while they are trying to concentrate. I don’t want him to be mad at me. But I like that my actions have an effect on him, we aren’t very close and I don’t really feel like I am a part of his life. But he was super sweet when I spent the night with him and his 5 day old son. I love my nephew, I want to spoil him, and take him to see cool stuff when he can start remembering things. For now I just want him to drool on me a little bit. I’m ready to be closer to him, and to his mother. I really love my sister in law; I can’t even fathom how shitty my family would be without her. She has all the advice I should be able to get from my mother, or my sister even, she is solid and down to earth. I like that. She says smart things.

Now Glynnis, for one, she has the coolest fucking name in the world. But if people start naming their children Glynnis, I will search them out and destroy them. It’s the hipster in me; I like it because every one kind of looks at me like, “huh? What’s her name?” yeah that’s a good feeling. I have the most uniquely named sister and the world and she is so much cooler than your sister. You don’t agree, well that’s fine. Glynnis was in the army and she can kick your ass. So say something? And if she doesn’t kick your ass, she will sick all of Alice’s sparkly things after you, and they will eat you.

Have I mentioned the fact that I’m drinking? No? Well I am. I like alcohol.

I’m ready to move in with Cam. I’m ready to start a new blog with Cam, it’s not like I have an avid readers on this blog so I don’t think you will be missing much, and I never really got motivated enough to use this blog for what I wanted to, none of my sewing/cooking adventure have been documented. Except that one chicken salad recipe, but I can’t even eat that now, because I ate it when it was like a week old and it doesn’t sound tasty anymore.

I have a thing for questionable food; I have eaten office pizza on more that on occasion. “What’s office pizza?” you ask. It’s the pizza you find in the back office when you come in at 3 p.m., you have no idea how long it’s been there but its pizza, and you fucking love pizza. I like the rush I get from eating something that might make me shit myself. Speaking of rushes, if you have never been propositioned by a carney? You just haven’t lived.

Oh, yes. My blog with Mr. Porter. My jolly ginger friend, (not really a ginger but has a red beard and is incapable of getting a tan) I will be moving in with him in either December or January, or fucking July because his roommate is a fucking douche. This man is the same man who disliked me when I walked in to Cam’s apartment without knocking. I’m pretty sure I was on the phone with Cam when I was walking up the stairs, he knew I was there. He knew I was there, knocking would have been redundant, he knew I was like 3 feet from his door, it’s not like he was going to suddenly decide to masturbate in the 15 seconds it took me to get from the bottom of the stairs to his door. But whatever, the roommate is an ass. Cam is a dear friend, when people ask about our friendship I normally throw out the fact that he took me in when my parents kicked me out 3 days before Christmas in 2008. I feel like anyone who can do that, and prevent the kick-ee from killing themselves, is a good person.

I hate allergies.

I hate bugs, apparently my blood tastes good. I just want to sit out here and smoke without getting West Nile.

I have been reading a bunch of stuff on Thought Catalog, never been? Read anything By Kat George, I want to be her lesbian lover. I think that’s why I am writing tonight. She is a really prolific writer, and I have 8 blog posts. I’m a slacker. I’m not really a slacker; I just don’t feel like I have anything relevant to say. Who would this even be relevant for? I mean, I read this. And maybe 3 other people read it, but even then I think they just read it out of boredom.

Last cigarette in the pack I bought from Texas. A moment of silence, please.

My drink as almost empty.

I’m ready for a change; I’m ready to have my own room again. I’m ready to cook for someone who hasn’t already had all of the good things I can cook, so they can’t judge me when I make something that sucks. I want to start sewing more of my own clothing, and I want to go to bars with people I only kind of like.

I want.

I want.

I want to sleep.

I don’t think I drank around the ash. That last drink tasted really bad. 


http://thoughtcatalog.com/author/kat-george/