I have been working on this whole idea of “new beginnings” for a while now. Reinventing myself, or discovering myself for the first time. I am learning more about my voice, about my body, about my mind, about my character. Learning new things about yourself is both fascinating and terrifying, as are most things in life. But opening my mouth to sing and hearing and feeling things come out that have never existed before? I don’t even know how to describe that. It’s like knowing someone with a stove but never knowing they could cook.
There are other things that have bothered me a bit. Apparently I get mean when I’m drunk. I mean, I am a naturally brash person, but I, in no way mean to come across as abrasive. I’m working on that. On a side note, I make decisions that shock me from time to time. Tonight, I went to downtown Tulsa, to a guy’s house. A guy who I have never met, who I know almost nothing about, and who I met on Craigslist. It was in response to an ad he posted looking for people interested in a musical collaboration. I guess it’s not too outrageous for me to have been concerned, that might even be normal. I did the smart thing, gave Cam all the information I had on the guy: name, phone number, directions to his house, and I made sure he had my tag number. Also, I borrowed his pocket knife. It’s the knife that bothers me. I like to think I am a peaceful person, but I also know that neither rape nor murder, sound like very much fun. But still, I am the kind of person that if I caught you stealing from me, I would look at you with disappointed eyes and probably give you whatever it was you wanted. Not saying that I would just give it up to a potential rapist, but I don’t think I would be able to stab anyone. Eh, who knows, maybe I am just over thinking it because the people I met are some of the most genuinely nice people I have ever been around. Like really these people were wonderful, I hope I made enough of an impression on them that potential music happens. I miss performing, and we all know I could use a good solid creative outlet. I get dumb when I’m bored.
All in all I think this year is headed in a positive direction, I have a possible promotion heading my way, I am getting serious about singing again. And I can do things independently, a little. I’m still a codependent bitch, but I feel like I can go be by myself. And I would actually enjoy it. Like tonight in Downtown. That was all me, and I had a really good time. I have a lot of positive influences in my life right now; this is both a good thing and a bad thing. I need to guard both my heart any my character. I am very easily manipulated and influenced. So it’s good that they are positive influences, but I know that ultimately, it’s me that gets into bed with me every night, and me that wakes up with me every morning. If I am comfortable meeting strangers in unfamiliar places, good for me, as long as I have the cognizance to think of my safety checklist, we are good.
So as for my most present bit of future, music. Art. Honesty. Beauty. Self discovery. This is what I want out of life. I want to perform, I want to sew and paint and dance. I want to discover new ways to make myself feel beautiful, both inside and out. I want to know the inmost secrets of myself. It bothers me that I’m 21 and I’m still learning new things about myself, but then again. I would love to still be finding things out when I’m 50.
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