Whether it is out of passion or pain, this is why I sing at
the top of my lungs. It’s the tension, the conflict between my body and my need
to get all the air out of my lungs. I just want to get high; I just want to
forget about all of the bodies that have once been pressed against mine. The
melodies, the shapeless words, they’ve soaked into my soul like the cigarette
smoke melts into my hair. Now let’s take all the other boys I’ve “just fucked”,
there does not exist a single one that I did not love, if only for a moment.
Well there are 2 of those and I felt dirtier and emptier than you could ever
imagine. It’s rarely just sex to me, regardless of what I might say.
I’m so fucking tired of being only fucked. I’ve never wanted
polyamoure. I’ve wanted to be passionately kissed by someone who is worth my affection;
instead I fall for small pieces of what I want in numerous lovers. His grounded
thoughts, his intelligence, his tongue, his eyes, her lips, his laugh, his
hands, his voice. Now, what if I told you that you encompass all of those
things? That your voice is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard, your laugh
makes me want to cry, when you are sad I want to murder. Its stupid really, you
will never get out of your head to see this. Maybe you think you are too crazy
for me, and that might be true, but I’ve been too crazy for so many others.
People that wouldn’t give me the time of day.
I want to turn myself inside out and dump out all of this
dirt, all of the shame. I want to take a bottle of bleach and a toothbrush to
my soul. I want so badly to be pursued, to be chased. To be the prey. Something
that fills you with such desire, that you must have it, regardless of the
repercussions. I say to myself often, and to others as well “he doesn’t know
what he wants, but he doesn’t want me. If he did, he would have me.” Why don’t
you have me?
I know that its probably not progressing for a reason, but I
chose to lose sleep over this. It gives me something to pine over, now as for
the others that I have been killing my time with, only time killed. I might
have looked inside to see if there was anything worth trying on, but it never
really is my style. I know it won’t feel right once I put it on.
Should I just be naked for a while, drink in bars alone? We
all know I’m not just going to stay at home; Cameron and I have two different
lives. And I get caught up in my head when I’m alone. And I write things that I
will never publish because I can’t let you read this. No one needs to know how
crazy I am for you, especially not you. I am insane. Bat shit fucking crazy. I
just want to be held at night, to be caressed, and to be kissed. Is that so god damned much to ask?
This should be read with eyes that understand that I like to
exaggerate. That I will take my one little emotion I am feeling and spin. Spin,
until I am dizzy, until I can feel the vomit rising in the back of my throat, until
it’s the only thing I can focus on, until I have to have one hand on the wall
and one on the floor to stop spinning. It should also be known that I was
really happy when I wrote this and that doesn’t make any god damned sense in my
head. I sat down thinking “oh I’m going to write a happy blog post.” Well guess
what, princess? That shit don’t happen at night.
So this is me, 2 days later, editing out some of the more
graphic details of my love life, cause “ain’t nobody got time for that.”
With that being said, I’m going to share with you something
that has been plaguing my head for quite some time, every time I hear this song,
I think of this song. It’s a fun game, really it is.
When I hear:
I think of:
When I hear:
I think of:
When I hear:
I think of:
Its mostly just the beginning of the songs and the last one
is super understandable. I mean Stevie Nicks is in the video, buts its just so
exhausting because all I listen to a lot of classic rock in my car, and them BAM attack of shitty music from my childhood.
I’ma leave you with this one.. just for fun, because its Friday. Where the Party at? - Jagged Edge
This was beautiful and I want to publicly say sorry because this was beautiful and I had no right to ever judge your pain.
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