Two days ago, I started the evening with plans to go to Buffalo Wild Wings with the sister and the boy. That in itself would have been a fantastic evening. But it was also karaoke night. And not just karaoke for fun, there was also a contest. Also, after 2 beers someone bought me a shot of Jim Beam. This night was on a fast track to awesome, and the conductor was just looking to start a fight.
So we get there, and I’m pretty excited about life. We hear a few people sing, I judge them mercilessly, and then I sign up. The ladies running the show ask me if I want to sign up for the contest, I could win $100, I do and I totally scoff at them offering me a warm up song.
Come back, sit down. Smoke about 3 cigarettes, drink a few beers. Take that awful shot of Jim Beam. The contest is about to start, they say they are going to do a few dance songs. This one rap song that I don’t know, but it has a pretty sweet line dance along with it, starts playing. Small group of young people get up to dance, and so does this one white-haired old woman. Like seriously in her 60’s, tacky Christmas sweater and all. Gets out there and endangers her health to get her groove on. I nearly pissed myself. So the contest starts. Few decent people sing. I start getting nervous. So I drink more, and I smoke more. Fast forward through mediocre singing, my little sister and this guy named John totally murdering “A Whole New World”. It’s the next to last song, they had flashed through the line up, so I knew I was last. Guy gets up there to sing “Sweet Caroline”, totally killed it, lots of crowd involvement with the “Bah Bah Bah’s” and the “So good’s”, he totally set me up to kill it.
Now keep in mind, most of the performers danced all around the bar. Totally trying to work the crowd. Props to them, I can see where they needed the extra help. So I get up there. Adjust the mic stand. And just stand perfectly still. Soft piano leads me in. “Turn around.” “Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you never come around.” The crowd goes a little bit crazy, but they don’t know what I’m going to do. It grows eerily quiet. “Turn around.” “Every now and then I get a little bit terrified, I see the FUCKING look in your eyes.” Everyone eats it up! I mean, I am obviously not modest about my vocal talents, if you were only good at one thing you wouldn’t be shy either. So between my bad ass vocal skills, the white person soul I am infusing this song with, and a fucking F-word, I think I put on a pretty good show. By the time “And I need you now tonight, I fuckin’ need you more than ever” rolls around I have left the mic stand and I’ve started to really get into it, because that’s just how you sing “Total Eclipse of the Heart”.
I mean seriously after it was over, people chanted. I have no idea what they were saying, but they were being loud and it felt awesome. I knew that cash was mine. So I work the crowd a little bit, I had seen a few people I went to high school with, so I talked to them. Accepted high fives and handshakes from a few fans. They say they are going to play a few dance songs, then announce the winner. The judges were the ladies running the karaoke stand. From what my friend had told me, the contest was rigged, and they only pick their friends. I was still pretty confident that I was going to win.
Songs are over; they announce the 1st place winner first, because they got the choice between $100 and tickets to a lame basketball game. “And the winner is…” Some bitch named Megan. I mean I know her, so she’s not really a bitch, but come on. Who sings “Broken Wing” at a fucking bar?! I’m sure there were at least 3 women who were beaten by drunken lovers after leaving that place. I didn’t win shit. I yelled, and cussed, and probably offended someone. I was UPSET! But then that same friend that told me it was rigged bought me a Vegas Bomb. I fucking love Vegas Bombs. So shot number 2 down the hatch. Few more beers, few more smokes. Dance a little bit. Sing “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road”, boy sings “Friends in Low Places” his friend sings “Chicken Fried” I am having a good time. Shot number 3 happens. I am really feeling good, and I’m getting sassy. I don’t remember specifics because that was two days ago, but I do remember yelling at someone for making a remark about Oklahoma being part of the south. “WE DID NOT SECEDE!!” So me and Shyann get up to sing “Don’t Stop Believing”, we are totally killing it, and the bitches cut us off! I have no idea why, they said something about the mics, but I flipped them both off and started running my mouth. Whiskey does mean things to me, so I was really actually ready to fight these bitches. I mean I love Adele as much as the next person, but how can anyone cut off a drunken performance of “Don’t Stop Believin” to do a shitty, soul-less rendition of “Rolling in the Deep”? I was fighting mad, and this is the first time I have ever met two of Boy’s friends. I’m smashed and I am talking all colors of trash to these women, not to their faces though, because I’m a lady.
So we leave before I start getting really belligerent, and also because I’ve realized that I have nearly smoked an entire pack of cigarettes. The moral of the story, is I am a sore loser, and shots are wonderful. Or awful, depending on who you are.
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