Idle Curiosity

So, before I put all this out there I just really want everyone to know that, NO I AM NOT PLANNING ON MOVING ON/JUMPING IN A RELATIONSHIP. 

With that being said, I do want someone to take me out. I do want to go to a bar with my girl friends and flirt with men that are in my league. I also have to reevaluate which league I am in, because it’s obviously been downgraded due to an extra 40 pounds in my ass. Also, HOLY CRAP, I haven’t really dated, since, um, yeah... high school.  I did come to college with the mind set of “I’m not going to date” and I ended my freshman year with a long term relationship in the making. But there was never that whole, “hey I’m single, you look nice, take me out.” I always had the “You seem really nice, but I really don’t want to be your girlfriend” tag attached to my hip.

Now, back to the disclaimer at the beginning of this, I really don’t want to be anyone’s girlfriend. I need to be my own girlfriend, if that makes sense. I need to figure out what it is that Leah likes to do when she is alone for the 5^th night in a row. One of my coworkers diagnosed me with Bipolar Codependency, it makes sense. Cause I’m all like “I am mah own woman, roar” and then I’m like “oh hey, I was just kidding, how does my hair look, do you like my hair? I mean really, you should say something about the way I look, so I can feel better about myself.” Typing that was both exhausting and enlightening, because I was smacked in the face with about 45 different situations where I behaved like that. Gross.

I like feelings. I like to take all the feelings I have, throw them on the ground, and roll around in them. I like to do that with your feelings too. So this is where the whole other people thing comes out. It would be impossible for me to shut off the romantic side of my brain, I understand that some people can do that; I however, cannot. I like that nervous, “omg, did that cute guy just look at me” feeling. I like the “I’m getting pretty to go to the city with my girls to pick up some boys (or girls)” feeling. I want to be all excited and pissed off about something. I want to have fun, I want to be reckless, and I want to behave like a 21 year old. I want to know what it feels like to drink a beer in the shower, because apparently that is something that people do. The idea of cold beer in a hot shower sounds both pleasant and awful.  I want to go to the strip club with my guy friends and look at boobies. (Cam, this means you have to come with me.)And I want someone to take me out on a Saturday night, because they are romantically interested in me, but not in a serious relationship kind of way.

Maybe, I’m just needy. Maybe I am just trying to fill my brain with silly irrelevant thoughts so I don’t have to think about the week I just had.

Maybe, I’m just a girl.

I am a girl, I checked.